Laughter makes
wrinkles in all
the right places

We're sharing the jokes, riddles and warm messages sent to us from some of the remarkable people who make Blue Care possible.

Click on the riddles and jokes to find the answers and punchlines.

A Guide to Misheard Medical Terms and Their Meanings
From Bruce

Artery

study of painting

Medical staff

doctor’s care

Bacteria

back door to cafeteria

Nitrate

cheaper than day rate

Cat Scan

searching for kitty

Out Patient

person who has fainted

Dilate

to live longer

Prostrate

flat on your back

Enema

not a friend

Rheumatic

amorous

Gout

short for “go out”

Sore

watched it happen

Varicose

nearby

 

 

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
From Bernice & Grahame

A roamin’ numeral.

What is the longest word in the English language?
From Margaret & John

Smiles – because there is a mile between the first and last letter.

A man who thought his friend had hearing problems...
From Mr & Mrs Buckley

One day he decided on a test. He stood a fair distance behind her and said “can you hear me?” No answer. So he moved a little closer and said, “can you hear me?” no answer.

No answer for the third time and on the fourth time he said into her ear, “can you hear me?” she said, “for the fourth time, yes I can hear you!”

What do you call a train that eats toffee?
From Bernice & Grahame

A chew, chew train!

A man walked into a bar with a salamander over his shoulders.
From Lizard Queen

 “Goodness,” said the bartender, “what’s your salamander’s name?” “Tiny” replies the man. “Why Tiny?” asked the barman. The man replied, “Because he’s my newt!” (miNUTE)

Paddy and Murphy's day off
From Robyn

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy “I’m going to get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad.” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!” Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.” So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit to leave as well. “Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman? “Well I can’t work in the blimmin’ dark!” said Murphy.

An apple a day...
From Nan

An apple a day keeps the doctor away and an onion takes care of the rest!

Good medical advice eh?

Why is a maths book always unhappy?
From Bernice & Grahame

Because it has lots of problems.

Always keep your words soft and sweet...
From Veronica

just in case you have to eat them.

A Garfield clip from the newspaper
From Thelma

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, then cross the road again?
From Unknown

Because she was a dirty double-crosser!

When she saw her first strands of grey hair...
From Valmai

She thought she’d dye.

What do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite?
From Don

A little bug that says his prayers before he eats your house down.

Why did the student eat his homework?
From Bernice & Grahame

The teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

A story about a man named Fred
From Michael

A man called Fred working in a factory got caught in a machine and was whirled round and round several hundred times. His mates finally stopped the machine and he fell to the floor. A mate held his hand saying “Fred speak to me!” Fred replied, “I just passed you 300 times and you never spoke to me!”

Funny things to ponder
From Kerry

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn’t the number "11" pronounced “onety-one”?

Save the earth!
From Veronica

It's the only planet with chocolate.

What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?
From Lyn

A stamp.

3 blokes at the Pearly Gates on Christmas Eve
From Erin

St Pete said to them "if you have something Christmasy on you, you can go through 'cause I need to knock off."

The first jangles his keys - Christmas bells. The second adorns his watch - Christmas chimes. The third bloke fishes around in his pockets and comes out with a pair of ladies' knickers. St Pete looks at him with a bit of a stunned look and says "what's that got to do with Christmas?" He says "they're Carols!".

Why do you get when a Piano falls down a mine shaft?
From Unknown

A Flat Miner (Minor)

Knock, knock...
From Don

Who’s there?

Amaryllis

Amaryllis who?

Amaryllis-state agent; want to buy a house?

A boiled egg...
From Valmai

Is hard to beat.

Migrating from England to Australia
From Colin

An old, old Pommie bloke was waiting placidly and patiently in his wheelchair in the immigration queue at the airport. The immigration agent began working down all those questions, with the expected answers of yes, no, no, no… until the agent asked – Do you have a criminal record? The startled old Pom answered – “I didn’t know that we still had to have one!”

What do you call an old lady snake?
From Lizard Queen

Nana Conda

Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
From Bernice & Grahame

Too many ears!

Why did the tomato blush?
From Unknown

Because it saw the salad dressing

A trip to South America
From Gloria

2 men were talking and one said to the other "my wife has gone to South America" and his friend said "Jamaica?" and the first man said, "no, she went of her own accord."

The early bird gets the worm
From Veronica

Since it is the early worm that gets eaten by the bird – sleep late!

Police were called to a daycare centre...
From Valmai

A 3yr old was resisting a rest.

To whom do people always take off their hats?
From Unknown

Hairdressers!

Meeting a yeti and God
From Heather

An atheist is walking through the mountains when a yeti jumps out at him. As it approaches menacingly, the atheist yells "God save me!". Seconds later a deep voice rumbles from the skies, "I thought you didn't believe in me." "Well," the man says, "until a minute ago, I didn't believe in yetis either."

Why do you always find things in the last place you look?
From Unknown

Because when you have found it you stop looking!

What do you call someone who keeps talking when no one is listening?
From Unknown

A teacher!

Why can't people living within two miles of a cemetery be buried there?
From Elvie

Because they are alive!

Two fathers and two sons went fishing one day. They were there the whole day and only caught 3 fish. One father said, “that is enough for all of us, we will have one each.” How can this be possible?
From Cherie

There was the father, his son, and his son’s son. 2 fathers and 2 sons.

Sharing happiness, warmth and love 

Smile and others will smile with you

From Celia

A phone call is worth a million dollars

From James

To all residents in Blue care facilities, my thoughts are with you and hope you will soon be able to welcome your friends and loved ones.

From Paula (human), Molly (dog) & Jack (bird)

The greatest gift you can ever give anyone is a HUG - one size fits all, and nobody minds exchanging it!

From Vicki

It’s easy enough to be happy when life flows by like a song. But the person worth while is the one who smiles when everything goes dead wrong.

From James

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain!

From Vicki

We'd love to hear from you if you have any more jokes, riddles or messages you'd like to share.

Send us an email at fundraising@ucareqld.com.au or pop it in the post to GPO Box 1269, Brisbane QLD 4001.